Caregiving doesn't stop because you are sick...

And it might be your fault. I am currently writing this from planet quarantine and sitting with this feeling that just because I am sick, that does not mean that the work stops.

Because of who you are. You are so invaluable, even when you aren’t feeling at your best. You are still The One. Yes, you are Neo, Frodo, or Harry, to your family and the person you care for.

Ideally today I would have rested in bed, drank hot liquids, and slept a ton. But I still had to get up, get breakfast and lunch served, shuffled myself into clothes to get a Covid test, take 2 work meetings, figure out that dinner situation and for some reason I have bath duty?!?

Today really has me wondering, what would happen to my family if I were truly unable to take care of all the minor and major tasks that keep our family functioning. What if I was hospitalized and unable to keep the ship afloat? Have I handicapped my family? Have you?

Have you created an overdependence on your skills, knowledge, and comfort. In service of everyone else's comfort, have you created an environment in which things don't function accordingly without you?

I was speaking with an upcoming workshop collaborator today and we discussed the thought distortion that “only I can handle this,” which runs rampant in the caregiving community. A thought distortion is a faulty way of thinking that can keep us in negative and unproductive patterns of behavior.

The thought that you are the only person able to handle certain tasks may be true, but it is definitely untrue for ALL tasks.

But because of feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, but mostly guilt, we stay stuck in this irrational way of thinking and we impede our family from learning the skills that we know, which is a disservice to all. How can you rely on others when you are in need, if you've deprived everyone from the opportunity to learn what you do?

Here is my challenge for you and one that I will be marinating on.

Identify how you have emotionally, physically or financially created an over reliance on you and why you do it?

Perhaps you will identify underlying needs to feel valued and worthy and creating this over-reliance is how you get your needs met. If this is the case, think of other ways to get this need met. Think of how you can feel valued in other ways, not just for your caregiving abilities. You are more than just a caregiver and you are plenty valuable in many ways.