Caregiver by circumstance, not by choice?

Why choice matters and what to do about it.

An important part of my own caregiving journey is the fact that I did not choose to be a caregiver. I was broke and available to do the job.

The more nuanced version of this story would be that I was finishing graduate school, conducting free research for my thesis, working less than part time, and ending my relationship with my live in partner.

It was suggested that I live with my grandfather, who lived alone at 85 and a drivable distance from my university. I thought I would perhaps live with him until graduation and then create a new life for myself. My 6- month plan, turned into 10 years.

Many caregivers would fall under the “no choice” category. According to the research, more than half of caregiver's report feeling like they had no choice to care for a loved one. They may be caring for a parent, grandparent, child or spouse due to love and circumstance, but not by choice.

The ability to choose to be a caregiver matters to your mental health.

Choice matters! Caregivers who felt like they had little choice to care for another, reported higher rates of stress, physical health issues, and issues within their social/familial relationships (Reinhard et al., 2012; Schulz et al., 2012).

What can you do about it?

1. Be honest with yourself about how you feel. If things aren't okay, then stop pretending that they are. You aren't doing your mental health any good by deceiving yourself. I know the thoughts are difficult but see #2.

2. Find a safe space to process conflicting feelings. You need a safe space to be able to freely discuss the difficult and negative things. Often trying to do this with friends or family just reinforces feelings of guilt. You are not a bad person for having negative feelings. You are very normal. But you need to be able to make sense of what is happening in your head, and that can come through seeking support like therapy.

3. Check your behavior. You need to take a look out how anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, etc. is affecting your behavior. Are you more impatient than usual? Are you more irritable or quick to anger? Are you so anxious that you can't focus? See #1 and be honest with yourself about what is going on inside and how it's affecting you on the outside.

Lastly, just because you didn't choose your caregiving life, that doesn't mean that you can't find joy or contentment in it. That can come by validating your experience and giving yourself permission to FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. All of your feelings. The good and the not so good. They are simply trying to give you information about you.

I had very little choice and a lack of options. I often felt resentment towards my other family members, but also a deep sense of gratitude. It wasn't until I went to therapy to understand that I could feel many feelings all of the same time and that they were all valid. Caregiving has given me a sense of purpose and in some ways, I am a better person because of it.

References

~National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC) and AARP, Caregiving in the U.S. 2020 (Washington, DC: NAC and Washington, DC: AARP, May 2020).

~Reinhard SC, Levine C, Samis S. Home alone: Family caregivers providing complex chronic care. Washington, DC: United Hospital Fund and AARP Public Policy Institute; 2012

~Schulz R, Beach SR, Cook TB, Martire LM, Tomlinson JM, Monin JK. Predictors and consequences of perceived lack of choice in becoming an informal caregiver. Aging & Mental Health. 2012;16(6):712–721.