Dear Caregiver, you need friends!

The number one reason why caregivers report neglecting, or lacking friendships is time. Between work, family obligations and caregiving it can be difficult to devote time to “non-essential relationships.” Going out for happy hour after work, or even going to get coffee can be difficult to incorporate into an already stretched schedule. It also takes an emotional investment to maintain friendships; responding to texts, sitting down and figuring out plans, or planning for future events. All of it takes effort that you just might not have in you.

But it is worth it.

Social relationships are vital to our ability to survive as individuals. You are not just a caregiver; you are a PERSON and you have needs. One of our primary needs as humans is stimulating social interactions. As caregivers we can be deprived of new stimuli acquired through people and experiences. So basically, if you don’t want to lose your humanity, you will prioritize this need, and FIND THE TIME.

The number two reason why caregivers lack friendships is relatability. I know this one well. I began caregiving at a time in my life where I should have been traveling, networking, or “showing up” for my career. That is what all my friends were doing.

Trying to explain to my early 30’s tribe why I couldn’t go to Talum for a week, was not only frustrating but sad. Some of the friendships I thought would last forever, disappeared. I couldn’t maintain these relationships because I had no fuel to feed them. The connections that brought us together were gone. And so I let them go.

There are relationships that do not serve you anymore, in this season of your life. Sometimes you need to prune your support circle to make space for new relationships that serve you better. That may require some creativity, but fortunately we live in the age of Bumble BFF. We live in a time of online groups full of people who care give and are seeking the same thing that you are, connection, understanding and a little bit of laugher. We live in a time of Zoom coffee hangouts. If ever you are going to expand your social circle, the time is now.

Irrational guilt is something I am forever talking about because as a caregiver, you are born with certain traits. You are born with the superhuman ability to give your last to anyone in need without reserving anything for yourself. You possess an instinct and a desire to serve others, but somewhere down the line you interpreted these gifts as a reason to deny yourself.

Irrational guilt is the mechanism that is triggered when you think of doing ANYTHING other than doing something for someone else.

Irrational guilt is what tells you that your mom will not be fine if your sister-in-law stays with her for a few hours (you know, because they hate each other). It is the inner voice that says that you should not be enjoying yourself, while someone you love so dearly suffers. It is irrational for a reason. Of course you should experience joy, because you CAN. Denying yourself of opportunities to be an individual, enjoy a piece of your day, or spend time connecting with interesting people is a disservice to you and those within your care.

Your life is not about only serving others.

You were not born to deprive yourself of joy and opportunity. You do not exist solely for the well being of others. You have value outside of caregiving, and reciprocal relationships (50/50 relationships), reinforces this value.

So make the time, find people the people, challenge the guilt, and feel the good feels of friendship.