Yes, your caregiver guilt is irrational.

The majority of caregivers fall into caregiving by circumstance, not by preference. Does anyone really want to change adult diapers? Perhaps you are the only child to aging parents or your schedule means that you are the only one available to look after grandpa.

Perhaps you were offered as tribute by your family system?

Research is very clear, guilt is one of the most prevalent emotions experienced by caregivers and it is often irrational. Feelings of guilt are associated with symptoms of depression, anxiety, and a decrease in self-care (Losada, Gonzalez, and Romero 2010). Guilt is defined as a feeling of deserving blame for offenses, real or imagined, and often stems from feelings of inadequacy.

Most importantly, guilt can affect our ability to make good decisions.

Let's explore how:

Caregiving, because you feel guilty.

Why you chose to stay on this journey is important. Some of us are in this for the long haul (I am on my 10th year). Think about your quality of life 10 years from now. What does it look like? Caregiving duties often progress and increase as time passes and guilt will keep us in circumstances longer than what is healthy for us or the person we care for. Studies find that 1 and 10 elders have experienced elder abuse by their inner circle. Abusers are not, statistically speaking, horrible mean people, but people suffering from their own mental health issues like depression, addiction, and anxiety. Things we are all susceptible to, if we are not mindful.

What is this job for you? Is this making you a better person?

Doing this job out of obligation will not keep you in this game long term. If you are doing this solely out of guilt, then perhaps you need to re-evaluate your options.

You think you have no options.

You might not have fallen into your caregiving role by choice, but you do have the responsibility to determine if it is the right choice to stay in this role.

Your choices may be limited, your choices may be difficult, your choices may be deemed “selfish,” by onlookers, your choices may be between two crappy choices.

But you do have a choice.

You are not trapped. You are not a victim of circumstance. Understanding that you are making a conscience decision to do this job impacts your ability to provide care, compassion and empathy, especially during the hard times. Staying in a caregiving relationship because you feel like you have no other options breeds’ anger, resentment, and can result in compassion fatigue or burnout. Being cared for by someone who views and treats you like a burden can’t feel good either. What kind of life would that be for the both of you?

You set unrealistic expectations.

Caregiver expectations can be unreal. You’re expected to be a secretary, a financial analyst, a driver, a personal chef, a pharmacist and also carry on with your regular life duties like being employed, being a student, being a parent or being a spouse. You're only capable of so much, and when you become realistic about what is expected of you and what you can realistically do, everyone is better.

Also, you are not a horrible/selfish/bad/ etc. person because you don’t LOVE caregiving.

You might be under stimulated by the day to day tasks of medication management, meal prep, and baths, that's normal, because... it is under stimulating.

Ask for what you need and accept help when offered.

You stop taking care of yourself.

You’re mental, physical and financial health will impact your ability to successfully take care of someone else. Of course, there are a million reasons why it will be hard for you to engage in self-care activities, have a social life, have a career, and have successful relationships, but these things are vital if you seek to thrive as an individual and caregiver. Emerging research indicates that the amount of time a caregiver spends on leisure activities has a direct correlation with a reduction of depressive symptoms.

Think of your life as a cheeseburger combo meal. What makes the meal satisfying is not just cheese, meat and bun, but condiments, fries and an Oreo milkshake.

A well- rounded satisfying life gives you fuel to do your job well.

Irrational guilt tells you not to spend time on yourself. Not to go out with friends. Not to work for that promotion. It tells you that you will have “your time” when your caregiving job is over. It tells you not to consider yourself because you are less. All false!

The Take Away

Guilt is a natural emotion that develops from your own personal values and beliefs. You may feel guilty hanging out with a friend, taking a walk, or working a little over time (if you can). The idea is to do these acts of self-care IN SPITE OF guilty feelings, be realistic about your expectations, recognize that you do have a choice, and choose what kind of caregiver you can realistically be.

Losada, A., Marquez-Gonzalez, M. and Romero-Moreno, R. (2010). Development and Validation of the Caregiver Guilt Questionnaire. International Psychogeriatrics, 22, 650-660