4 Reasons for self neglect

The onset of a mental health disorder like depression, is usually slow, progressive, and insidious. For most, depression develops over the course of time until one day you look up and you are struggling to get out of bed (am I speaking to your soul right now)?

Due to Covid, many caregivers have found themselves trying to fight off depression and really struggling to do so. Many caregivers had to isolate because of the vulnerability of their care receivers. That isolation meant no more seeing family members or friends, a lack of service providers helping with ADL’s or physical therapy, and no opportunities to socialize for anyone.

A life where self-care opportunities are hard to come by in normal times, taking care of the caregiver, is even more difficult. Many caregivers found themselves lonely, overworked and under stimulated. As we move into the third year of this national pandemic, it might be the time to make some changes.

If you become so depressed where you can’t get out of bed, what happens to those that depend on you?

Considering yourself does not mean neglecting those you care about for personal pursuits. Yes, it might mean enforcing boundaries and encouraging those that are able, to do more without you. But it isn’t about being selfish. It is about considering your own mental and physical needs AS MUCH as you consider others. Not more, but not less.

Lets look at 4 common reasons why you might be neglecting yourself:

1. Taking time or resources from others to utilize on yourself makes you feel guilty.

Time is such a precious commodity in the caregiving universe. Many caregivers struggle to devote just a bit of their day to their own self care practices because of lack of time. But YOU DON'T LACK TIME. You suffer from irrational guilt that tells you that your needs do not matter and aren't valuable enough to devote time to.

Challenge those thoughts and even if you feel guilty stopping to buy yourself a nice coffee, DO IT ANYWAY. If you are going to feel bad if you do and bad if you don't, feel bad with a delicious oatmilk latte. Your mouth will be happy.

Get into a rhythm of taking just 10 minutes to purchase something that is just for you and learn how to enjoy it.

2. You are operating under the belief that you lack the time or resources to engage in meaningful self-care.

Saying it again for emphasis, you do not lack time or resources, you haven't made yourself a priority. You lack perspective. Sitting down and eating a meal is an act of self-love that requires little resources. I've worked with caregivers who don't eat their first meal until 8 or 9pm, not because they lack time or food, but because they haven't prioritized feeding themselves. Prioritize small moments of time for you to take care of you.

3. You have yet to identify a meaningful and restorative way of taking care of you.

Somewhere in time we have become confused about what taking care of ourselves looks like. Somewhere in the culture we glamorized "selfcare." Go to your doctors appointments, make yourself a lunch that isn't someone else's lunch remnants (PB&J sandwich crusts and half eaten chicken nuggets), speak to a friend (seeing a friend would be best), or even just sit in silence and daydream. These are simple acts of taking care of yourself. Yes, getting your hair and nails done or going to the gym 5 days a week would be ideal, but selfcare doesn't NEED to look like that. Start small!

4. You believe that you require less than others.

You are not the strongest Avenger and you are susceptible to depression. This is THE MOST dangerous line of thinking. Because it blinds you to obvious symptoms of distress and burnout. It is willful self negligence. You do need sleep, you do need to eat, you do need friends, you do need to feel valued and YOU DO NEED TO FEEL LIKE AN INDIVIDUAL.

You are more than just a caregiver or someone's mother, father, partner, employee. You are a person with needs. And if you place yourself on the thresh hold of martyrdom, you will be sacrificed.

Self-care is…

An act of kindness and compassion that facilitates awareness. It is an opportunity to take inventory on your own needs and replenish yourself.

Everyone else will benefit when you take care of you too!