10 tips: Dating while caregiving

Staying connected and building intimacy within relationships is difficult, but not impossible. Caregivers have so many obstacles to maintaining relationships, however these relationships are the best source of joy and wellness. Dating is a means of building intimacy and connection with a special person or people, and we all need that in our lives. You might be dating your spouse, long time partner, many partners, temporary partners, yourself and caregiving shouldn't impede on that connection.

Many caregivers have difficulties leaving the house to get groceries, so dating may seem impractical. But it isn't...

Here are 10 tips to make it happen:

1. Prioritize!

Even if you have been together for 100 years.

Dating is about connection and building intimacy. Caregiving is chronically stressful not just to the caregiver but also to the entire family system. Finding ways to stay connected to your partner, partners, or social support is key in stress reduction and management of negative symptoms. What gets prioritized gets done.

2. Bring activities to you.

Curated date boxes can be fun, versatile, and EASY. They can range from mystery pleasure boxes to crafting activities, to wine sampling. Bring your perfect activity into your own home.

3. Make it realistic.

Yes, we all want to go out to luxury restaurants and dancing. But be realistic. Dating might not look like what it did before. It might look like grabbing a donut and iced coffee and heading home, we call these donut dates! They can still achieve the purpose of building connection.

4. Make it often.

Grass grows where you water it! Sprinkling some connection here and there is fine, but relationships should be tended to frequently. Take an inventory of your relationship needs and honor it. To understand how see tip 5.

5. Stop allowing irrational guilt to guide your poor decision making.

If you aren’t sure what irrational guilt is, check out this article. In short, irrational guilt is guilt based on beliefs, thoughts and actions that aren’t your own. Will people think less of you for taking 1 hour to go get donuts with your sweetie? Maybe. Will you feel restored, rejuvenated and be a better caregiver for grandma because you have attended to your own needs? Definitely!

6. Explore new parts of yourself in the process.

Because caregiving is chronically stressful, caregivers can find it difficult to naturally evolve and explore new aspects of themselves. Caregiving can stunt our own personal development. You stop learning about yourself because you are so busy attending to others!

Dating can restart the process of self-exploration. Have you always wanted to learn to bake, sew, garden, etc. There are plenty of accessible activities that can be explored from home and done with a partner. You can learn these new skills while engaging with your partner.

7. Explore your partner using conversation starters.

Couple’s conversation cards and games can be a great new way to provoke unique conversation. Intimacy Deck and Our Moments are just a couple of products available that promote more intimate conversations and can be paired with dinner/drinks, all from the comfort of home.

8. Incorporate dating into the schedule you already have.

Can you schedule your lunch break around your special someone? Can they come along with you while you run errands? Dating IS NOT about what you do, it's about who you do it with. The most mundane tasks can be fun when you are with someone that you genuinely love to spend time with. IKEA dates, yes please! Wondering around Target together, most definitely. My favorite, Trader Joes trips where we decide on a new cookie to try and eat them in the car.

9. It will not be perfect.

And you shouldn’t expect it to be and neither should the people in your life. You can’t just pack up and go away for the weekend. But caregiver or not, most people can’t just spontaneously road trip down the coast for 2 days. Yes, you have limitations because you are a caregiver, but everyone has limitations in some way. So, the thought that because you are a caregiver you can’t have fun and meaningful relationships is irrational.

10. Stop making assumptions that it won’t work out.

Stop assuming that caregiving will make ANY life desire unreachable for you. You can have thriving, fulfilling relationships with others.

When my relationship with my husband began to get serious, I almost called it off. I had so many reasons why a serious relationship would fail. We only saw each other on the weekends, we lived an hour apart, I had too much on my plate... The best thing I did for myself, was find a way. I got a life partner and a caregiving partner. I didn't have to struggle alone anymore.