Caregiving and organizing: When the stuff isn't yours

Getting rid of someone else’s clutter...

I think depression era adults are 2022 era hoarders and there’s a theory that hoarding disorders manifest in childhood and adolescents. When you grow up without the basic necessities, I imagine throwing things away can be very difficult. But an excess of things is a safety issue, especially for a gentleman with sporadic blood pressure dips, occasional dizziness and a walker.

Creating a safe space for an elder or disabled person is important in mitigating fall’s, promoting wellness, and decreasing a sense of burden for you, the caregiver. But before you Marie Kondo your granny’s family room, here are some considerations.

1. It isn't YOUR stuff. Be clear about this.

What you value and what they value may be different. What you believe is garbage could be a very important artifact from 1952. I remember coming home from college to find that my mom threw away my collection of Power Rangers VHS’s and my collectible ninja sword. I am still pissed 20 years later. My anger comes from a violation of my sacred space and a decision that Power Rangers VHS tapes were garbage. Be clear with yourself, these are not your things, you did not invest memories, time, or money into these items. So, you do not get to decide their value.

2. INCLUDE THEM in the process

Yes, I know it would be easier to sort through your mom's stuffed animal collection while she's asleep, but this can go so terribly wrong. The entire premise behind the Marie Kondo method is ridding yourself of possessions that do not spark joy. It is a mindful and thoughtful method of separating yourself from your possessions. So, chucking someone else’s possessions in hefty bags while they sit helpless, anxious or unconscious is the wrong approach. They should be active participants in the discarding or organizing of their home or possessions. Yes, it might take 5 days longer than you expected, but at least it is getting done. And please re-read #1.

3. Seek Professional help when necessary

Addressing conditions of squalor or hoarding usually requires professional help, especially if it has been decades in the making. Hoarding is a diagnosable mental health condition that needs to be addressed with therapy. Hoarding is a persistent difficulty with discarding items due to the distressing condition associated with discarding these items. This means that those with hoarding disorders experience actual stress when attempting to throw away items.

They perceive these items as valuable even though the actual value of the item may be debatable. This may require the help of a therapist and/or a professional organizer. Even though your organizational skills are great, you are also emotionally invested in the outcome and you may want to sit this one out. If the person you care for shows a resistance to de-cluttering, than perhaps there is more happening than meets the eye.

Having an unbiased person or persons involved is a great way to decrease potential conflict, blame, or resentments.

4. Timing may be the key.

Now may not be the best time to consider decluttering. Although we are in a pandemic and you may find yourself with extra time, the added stress may be counterproductive and/or harmful. If your care receiver has difficulties parting with items, help may not be readily available for you at this time and perhaps you should postpone this endeavor until more support is available. For now, perhaps making the space habitable and safe as possible is all you can do.

Also, now may be the perfect time to consider decluttering. It could be a wonderful way to bond, spend time together, and revisit old memories while making room for new experiences. It could be a perfect time to broach the topic of cleaning out that old closet, or getting rid of generations of things.

Decluttering is beneficial and important for several reasons. As people age, mobility becomes more of an issue and now is not the time for broken bones and hospital visits. Also, as we age, our immune system doesn’t work as well which makes us more susceptible to allergies, bacteria and germs. For caregiver’s, less stuff means less stuff to clean, sort and organize. It can be the difference between one hour on Sunday or one hour everyday. Our time and energy is important and we need conserve as much as we can.

The takeaway:

Decluttering is important to ensuring a safe and hygienic environment however keep in mind:

1. You are throwing away someone else’s memories and life experiences so tread lightly.

2. Don’t throw someone else’s things away without their knowledge and consent when possible.

3. If you witness a high level of distress, unprovoked anger, tearfulness, or anxiety about discarding or decluttering then perhaps you need to enlist the help of a professional doctor, therapist, or organizer.

4. Perhaps today is not the day, maybe tomorrow could be.

I wish you well!